Lying to myself

I have been away from here for too long.

I have convinced myself I am too busy to worry about this and that I don’t need it anymore. In that regard I am an idiot.

I am good at functioning well even when I am in inner turmoil. I can hang in there when every demon is at the door, when taking a breath feels like  million pounds, when I feel like begging for some sort of reprieve I can stick to my guns. This comes at a difficult price though, my sanity, pride, and happiness. Strange because it is my pride that leads me to this point in the first place. The other price I pay is that I lose control of myself make stupid mistakes, drink too much, say stupid things, and do things I otherwise would never.

I know the reason I drink. Too much time over there, too many years with their souls weighing on mine. I once was a tough kid. I am now a tired man. Everyday, is a struggle between the PTSD and the mTBI and my normal messed up self. It is frustrating and debilitating. But its no excuse, I am still here.

I do not know where to put these emotions. I don’t deal with emotions well in the first place but, these seem to come burning red right off the fire, like  coal put in your hand. I have regressed and descended for some time now. So busy with school and work and being married to keep the necessary focus here, my conscience. I can get so far away from this then I stop then I slip then I get sucked back. Each time it seems worse than the last because of the time spent in the light. I become more convinced of my weakness and my inability to overcome this BS. Often times I wonder if I don’t have post traumatic stress from the PTSD itself? Strange thought but a valid one, living with this crap is traumatic in it of itself. The freak outs, the rage, the depression, the mistakes, the fear, the pain, the guilt. Could you stay on your feet if you carried guilt like me? I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy so I won’t wish it on you just to see if you could take it.

” Where are you in the dark, when the demons come for you.” Its a phrase, either from a song or a movie long forgotten to me. The phrase has stayed with me since high school or so. I used to think it was cool, something bad ass; I didn’t understand my connection to it. Never thought I would be a panicked mess or a rage-a-holic. Never thought I would be doing well on the outside but view myself as a failure in every aspect on the inside. Never thought I would be so weak or tired or stupid. Never thought that I would carry all this stuff for so long and never be able to set it down or to walk away from it. Never thought that this stuff would impact my everyday life. My normal world, not that stuff that happened years ago but where I am right here, never thought it would find me here. So where are you in the dark, when the demons come for you? I am there standing in the corner tired from fighting it all day.

There are two sides. Part of me is done with PTSD ( or so I think). School and work and married life. The soldier moves further away from who I am everyday. I don’t like alot of things and get mad at traffic. I am passionate for my work and dedicated to what I am doing. I am not the best but I am succeeding. Then there’s the dark-side. Forever lurking beneath the surface the anger, the rage, the guilt, the fear, and the inadequacy. It drags me down and keeps me there. When I get mad its a struggle to keep my violent self contained. The depression is the most frustrating part, I like to think of myself as too tough for that crap, which is anything but the truth. I drink too much, make too many mistakes and have stopped helping others with this same struggle. My war has always been with myself. Sometimes I understand why these soldiers kill themselves. The burden at times seems impossible and if you slip and lose sight of the light you’re in a bad way in a hurry.

Leaves me one question was I arrogant or just plain stupid to believe I had beaten this?

That’s enough self-loathing for now.


One response to “Lying to myself

  • Dan Van Buskirk

    It’s a journey for each of us. I do not see it going away. It has been 43 years now and i am still taking sleeping medication. At least i am off of anti-depressants. I learn to cope with it.

    I do what i enjoyed doing before Nam today. I get outside and have hobbies. If i stay in the house i will let my thoughts drive me crazy.

    I am a knucklehead that has a tough time learning to stop going on missions and start doing things for enjoyment. We get to take ourselves with a sense of humor and be patient. We have alot to be grateful for. We have a love of life and a greater empathy for all living beings. We are aware of our environment and we are sensitive to other’s pain. Sometimes we are not aware of our own pain. Sometimes it’s easier to do for others what we get to do for ourselves.

    Your writing is honest and powerful.


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