If I were to purge all the emotions and bad memories in my head all at once. If I found some way to do that, what would it look like? What would the prevailing mood of it all be? Angry, remorseful, guilty, hateful, psychotic, amped, all of these are likely suspects as to what I would look like if I brought everything all at once to the surface. You might be wondering, whats the point? By considering what the prevailing point would be, I know what I should approach first.
After long and careful consideration, my prevailing thought or state would be fear. I never allowed myself that luxury when we were over-there. I felt it but I stuffed it deep in the mentalruck sack and never dealt with it. Just put my left in front of my right and charlie miked. I never stopped and let all those near death impacts sink in. I sort of just closed my eyes. It was as if I was playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded six shooter and trying to ignore the fact I was playing. I never gave much thought to it. An explosion would happen, people needed medical aid, others needed killing, I didn’t have time to consider the huge piece of metal that just flew by my head. I didn’t have time to panic about the bullets flying by. I didn’t have time to fret over the impending impact of an incoming rocket, just listen for the whistle and wabble then run. There was work to be done and I seemed to be the capable person standing there. What I didn’t consider is that every time something like that happened it hit my sub-conscious. It registered there, those built in responses. The fight or flight systems got the message, my bad-memory and physiological response centers all got that message I ignored. So now it sits this encoded response to any form of stress, this fear response. My body knows to supply every ounce of adrenaline in reserves and my memory bank knows to be quiet. How unhealthy is that?
If I could purge it all, all at once, I think that I would probably be under a desk or something, trying to work my way through all the fear I never processed. By my last count I have been blown up by incoming rockets 8-10 times depending on what your standard of close is. Mine is I have to feel the heat or see the white flash. Those little events are the ones that torque me, when I was blind dead dumb and stupid after a rocket hit, not sure if I was dead or dying or wounded. It was like coming out of slow motion movie and arriving in chaos and hell. For a moment just as I would cross the threshold from the ringing blurry shaken moment to the chaos of full speed post impact mass casualty, I would panic. Its a natural thing, your brain is totally jacked up, you are hurting, you don’t really know where you are and there is all this chaos. You want to back into a corner and take a second. But there is too much blood, too much pain, too many in need of your help, too many others scared or incapable… so its swallow the fear, put the adrenaline pedal to the floor and get to work. That happens to you once or twice, you are considered a hard-ass by others. Four- six you are a crazy but a hardened veteran. 8-10, you are a bad omen, others are scared to ride with you or eat chow with you because you have a magnet in your back pocket for rockets and mortars and ieds. You in your mind start to feel like the angel of death because everything around you gets hurt or dead….. IT sucks. This is where I would be if I purged it all at once, under my desk taking that moment I never got to get my bearings set.
Where would you be, if you could purge everything all at once… other than the looney bin?