Stewing

Ever wonder, “Why am I mad?” or “Why am I so frustrated?” I feel it all the time.

I get red in the face and hot under the collar with no real explanation. Traffic can be a nightmare with me , especially for someone stuck sitting in the cab of the vehicle with me. I get so angry at nothing at all sometimes I see stars and get short of breathe. I don’t help the situation either, sometimes I fuel the rage with alcohol other times I will just let it take over. Sometimes it feels good to just let the thunder out, but it does so much damage in its wake it is never worth it. I get so mad at things I should just let go. Thats where I am right now, stewing over nothing.

I think sometimes I would like to just hit the reboot button on my brain. Give me a new personality, get rid of all these useless painful memories. Junk the survivalist, pessimistic attitude I keep buried in my chest. Yea, for all the optimism I post up on this page it is still a daily struggle within. How I would love to sleep through the night without waking up my girlfriend to make her move because I dreamed she was lying on a rocket. I would love to sit with my back to a door. I would love to be in a crowd and not clinch my fist so hard my hand goes numb. I would like not to think about pummeling someone who disagrees with me. I would like to not remember some of the things I have seen EVERY single damn day. I have this weird conversation in my head, a battle between what I saw, what I am, and who I think I should be. Its freaking intense and altogether tiring. I think that might be why I am so angry all the time, because I am always frustrated with the struggle within. I always feel I should have a grip and control over this, but it never seems that way.

The thing is, I know I am not alone in these feelings and thoughts. I know that others have thought about that reboot button. They have thought about being free. Like a prisoner looking through the chain link fence. Damn, I am getting mad and frustrated even thinking about that sentiment. I was built stronger than this crap. The most frustrating thing, is that it is nothing. Literally nothing it is a series of chemical reactions attached to connotations to bad memories, buried somewhere in my head.  I willed it there, I must will it out. But not tonight, tonight I shall sit here stewing over nothing. Combat was rough, but this is bullshit.

There are service members still over there. They are leaning against a tower wall, bored on guard duty. Yelling into a mike calling for fire. Sleeping happily in a rack or taking cover in  a concrete bunker with Styrofoam in the middle as rounds smash into the ground. They are playing a video game about war or participating in the real thing. Some are waiting in line to call home others are waiting for the medevac bird to pick up a brother. All of them are sweating, its hot as hell there right now. I am sitting comfortably and quietly at my desk chair. I have nothing to bitch about, embrace the suck and suck it up.  Hooah and to all a good night.

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One response to “Stewing

  • Kristin

    Thank you for sharing and for your service to our country. Keep talking and posting, it is healthy. We need to know how you feel and what it is like and you did a great job of describing that. Keep working on it. You can express it and that is good. I wish I could do more. Thinking of you all the time.

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