Ever wonder, “Why am I mad?” or “Why am I so frustrated?” I feel it all the time.
I get red in the face and hot under the collar with no real explanation. Traffic can be a nightmare with me , especially for someone stuck sitting in the cab of the vehicle with me. I get so angry at nothing at all sometimes I see stars and get short of breathe. I don’t help the situation either, sometimes I fuel the rage with alcohol other times I will just let it take over. Sometimes it feels good to just let the thunder out, but it does so much damage in its wake it is never worth it. I get so mad at things I should just let go. Thats where I am right now, stewing over nothing.
I think sometimes I would like to just hit the reboot button on my brain. Give me a new personality, get rid of all these useless painful memories. Junk the survivalist, pessimistic attitude I keep buried in my chest. Yea, for all the optimism I post up on this page it is still a daily struggle within. How I would love to sleep through the night without waking up my girlfriend to make her move because I dreamed she was lying on a rocket. I would love to sit with my back to a door. I would love to be in a crowd and not clinch my fist so hard my hand goes numb. I would like not to think about pummeling someone who disagrees with me. I would like to not remember some of the things I have seen EVERY single damn day. I have this weird conversation in my head, a battle between what I saw, what I am, and who I think I should be. Its freaking intense and altogether tiring. I think that might be why I am so angry all the time, because I am always frustrated with the struggle within. I always feel I should have a grip and control over this, but it never seems that way.
The thing is, I know I am not alone in these feelings and thoughts. I know that others have thought about that reboot button. They have thought about being free. Like a prisoner looking through the chain link fence. Damn, I am getting mad and frustrated even thinking about that sentiment. I was built stronger than this crap. The most frustrating thing, is that it is nothing. Literally nothing it is a series of chemical reactions attached to connotations to bad memories, buried somewhere in my head. I willed it there, I must will it out. But not tonight, tonight I shall sit here stewing over nothing. Combat was rough, but this is bullshit.
There are service members still over there. They are leaning against a tower wall, bored on guard duty. Yelling into a mike calling for fire. Sleeping happily in a rack or taking cover in a concrete bunker with Styrofoam in the middle as rounds smash into the ground. They are playing a video game about war or participating in the real thing. Some are waiting in line to call home others are waiting for the medevac bird to pick up a brother. All of them are sweating, its hot as hell there right now. I am sitting comfortably and quietly at my desk chair. I have nothing to bitch about, embrace the suck and suck it up. Hooah and to all a good night.